ill be counting.

someone told me that i shouldnt make expectations which sounds completely and utterly hopeless to me. what good is the knowledge you acquire and the richness of your past if you cant make assumptions or expectations about the future. but for the sake of giving into what i thought was best for the fantasy -i let go. i let go of my bright and shiny balloon and watched it float over the horizon. i watched it ascend into the grey clouds that were sure to be hovering over me anytime soon after that.  i watched it go. but i couldnt keep myself from chasing after it. once you arrived you immediately started throwing rocks and conjured curses to cast. you built an apparatus meant to create and bring life to the perfect storm. an atmospheric flood of citric acid and bitter vinegar. my balloon never had a chance like one of lindsay lohan's aborted babies. even after the storm when most of the real damage had already settled in, i couldnt help but seek out my recently abandoned balloon. its sad because even after you tried to shoot it down  -i had to find it and keep it. oh, but i found it and despite everything you did i cant let go of it. sheared and riddled with bullet holes i hold it and cradle it like a close friend dying in my arms. nuzzle it between the warmth of my arms and chest cavity like it was a part me. because it was. a part of me plagued by deadly virus. i know that if i stay with it -itll spread and seep to the other parts of me that have yet to be infected. but ill keep it anyway. a masochist in every sense of the word. a normal person would learn from you. maybe after a few lonely visits to the beach to watch the sunset or sulking alone at home in the shadows with a gallon of cookies and cream ice cream..or preferably, a box of white chocolate-covered oreos..they wouldve learned.  not me. im already 4 boxes deep and the chocolate hasnt even begun to numb the sting.
i waited for you after i dropped you off at the terminal. i waited just outside the sliding glass doors at the entrance of the airport. i waited until i saw your plane take off. all the while hoping id see you come running out through the gate with something beautiful and warm to say to me. i spastically turned to look at everyone that made it through the glass childishly praying for one of them to be you. there was a moment when i thought i saw you running through the gate with tears in your eyes and a look of relief draped over your face painted by he whom that couldve only been Monet himself. a face that conveyed the abrupt realization and acceptance of a negated and neglected love. my love. i saw you running with something dangling on the edge of your lips. maybe it was the kiss i was in dire need of. the sweet kiss i was quietly and patiently but painfully and anxiously waiting for. internally begging for with every square inch of my innards. i saw us clash together in triumphant joy with the force of two stampedes running directly into each other. i saw us kiss. i had seen it all in the span of just a few split seconds..but a stranger walked out and through your ghost dropping me from the clouds above and back onto the curb where i had been waiting the whole time. sitting, day dreaming the whole time.
as much as it pains me to say this and as much as right now i dont see this to be true, ill say it in hopes of it becoming true.. because right now, given the light im under and brooding shades that swallow my entirety, its the only way ill get myself over you.

at the end of the day maybe you'll turn out to be just like your mother.
im sorry, R.



i cant even bring myself to end on that note. i want you. i want you because youre warm. i know you to be soft. but the past 8 days havent given me any evidence to support that claim. we fought and kept a distance like a tired old couple. a bitter cold pair that can barely stand to be near each other after so many years of love and affection but we skipped right over all good parts. a couple that know each other so well that even when theyre not together they can feel the other by their side.  i need you because i see you dive off the same cliff day after day after day and im shocked that im the only one that sees it. i need you because youre shiny. you glow in the dark and glisten in the sun and i must have you.