ill be counting.

you're here and you aren't. im not sure what i was expecting but this isn't it. and yet, this is it. this is all of it. i don't see anymore coming out of the woodworks. i don't see anything being unveiled in the future. the curtain has drawn and what you see is probably what you feel and what you're feeling is what you get. no more..but maybe a little less. maybe it was a mistake. maybe its that what i needed to witness; what i needed to be a part of. it doesn't hurt yet. maybe it wont ever quiet blight my soul the way i thought it would. maybe the object in the light wont blind me as badly as i had anticipated. and on the same token, the rapture wont come down the path i laid out for it.  who listens nowadays anyway. 8 days will come and go like nothing happened. the digging will proceed. thats all there is to it. but its been a long time since i've seen you smile and that alone was almost worth it. i haven't gambled away my fear but i've lost the time. time seems to have been good to you…for the most part. 

your breathing patterns throw me off. that was the last straw. you cant look at me but im just about used to that from every other living soul on this planet. i hate my reflection in your sunglasses. the camel's back broke a few paces behind where were standing now. fuck it, and now the camel's dead. a rotting, rancid corpse on the side of the road with vultures stalking above. why would anyone want to keep going? thats what rings true. it echoes in every word that dribbles off my lips. i knew it to be before you finished saying my name for the very first time.   maybe i belong here and you don't. maybe you know that. maybe you don't. maybe its in honor of something more significant than me. maybe its not. maybe it comes from a place of pure pity. maybe it comes from nostalgia or in the honor of the possibility. wherever its from, its familiar. i've seen this all too many times before. me and this. this feeling. murky. gooey. slow and slow burning. it lingers. it festers. it eats away at my mental space and saves nothing for leftovers. 

its tacky. what im doing now. but im not sure i could have any other way. not that i wouldn't want it any other way but im pretty much only allowed to scrape what i can off the table. it obvious but not is no many words. sure, girl. we can have it your way. sure. 

i had to gamble and roll the dice. i didn't like my odds before i started playing but here i am. technically, you could argue that the games not over but im out of money and there isn't an ATM in the world thatll lend me a penny. my sanity cant afford to write any more checks anyway. what left is there to do…

i have beef to pick with those who say its only fear that can make you feel lonely out here. the only thing relating to truth is that we all learn to accept whatever it is that we can get. its not all melted ice cream and spilt milk though.. if you never try, you'll never know just how much you're worth. keep hunting. maybe you'll find that prize you're looking for. maybe you wont. im not going to tell you that its only the hunt itself and the journey that matters because thats not even slightly true. what you bring home or if you even get to bring anything back to camp makes all the difference. what good is a prize without anyone to share it with. whats funny without someone else to laugh with you. how beautiful can the scenery be without anyone to see it with you. its the difference that makes blue into sky blue or deep sea.  im still coloring the shades as we speak. who knows. who really knows. whos to say and whos the authority. where do these tears belong and who controls me.