ill be counting.

or maybe it was you giving me some misplaced shred of mercy. your version of tossing scraps to the diseased dog before taking him out back. maybe you thought that if you told me just a piece; a sliver of what i wanted to hear that it'd be easier for you to hint at what was really going on inside your mind. i say 'hint' because even after all was said and done..you hadnt pulled the trigger. you probably assumed id pull it myself.  that it was so stark and bluntly obvious that it didnt actually need to be carried out. i just wanted you to tell me something real because the smile you wore wasnt how you felt or even close to how you feel. id rather you, at least, outline the reasons because asking you to fill it in with details and color would be too much to expect. i wish it was socially acceptable to handout a survey after something like this occurs. just to get a clear idea of what was or whats still going through the other person's mind after the fact. i mean, why not? why cant we be civil about it? why cant we take a step back and be adults. you fill out an evaluation form for a teacher at the end of the semester -even if the teacher failed you, dont you?. you still write comments for new restaurants even when the food and the service were both horrible, right?..why would a complete and custom relationship evaluation form be too much to ask for? in the pursuit of making yourself a better person, one is bound to come across challenges..and if you dont succeed the first time the only way you ever will is if you review your mistakes. but if youre still 'coming to' from the whole experience and you arent quite sure what your mistakes were then youre simply and really very fucked.  or maybe its that if you cant see your mistakes that you shouldnt be anywhere near the battlefield. that doesnt sound right..but it sounds safe. the kinda safe that reverberates inside the walls of a hydrogen balloon slowly pulling it back down to sea level like someone saying 'if everyone shot for the stars then there wouldnt be anybody left here on earth'.

when you think of a woman, what do you wanna see?
-i want to see someone that wears her scars on her sleeve but still stands up straight. that doesnt cover them up with poorly applied make-up and fake laughs. i want to see the ora of warmth that radiates around her but someone who can still be a fierce bitch when she needs to be..or when she just is. i want to see someone with the ability to make time stop by the trickling touch of a soft finger. i want someone that isnt afraid of the dark because theyve already discovered how bleak the the dim lighted corridors can get. i want to see her smiling like her body had no choice but to contort every muscle and move every bone in its right position for that particular smile..like its the only thing; like theres nothing else she'd rather do. id like to see the child-like twinkle in her eye, the dependable adult in her dimples and the fragile remains on her upper lip. i want to see her wearing superman's cape ready, seemingly at any moment, to fly.

i should have danced. i should have sung.
sometimes ill be right in the middle of a moment and something will happen where ill see different ways that i could react to that particular moment. as if individual holograms of myself float from my skin and carry out the different reactions i could go with. theres one thats flamboyant, edgy and daring. i rarely go with that one. theres another thats pretentious and pompous. usually trying moderately hard to impress you with something intelligent or poetic to say. and another thats dull and grey. exerting not much more than a half assed smile. most of the time i get caught/stuck watching the exuberant version as he continues on and on. dancing, entertaining for the one im with. i get enveloped by what hes doing and forget that the real me is still amid the actual moment comatosed at the sight of who i wish i was; by what is me; by what should be me but too much of a coward to, actually, be me. by the time im back the moment is slipping away and ive got to fumble for the reaction or action ill carry out. by the then its way to late to go with the first and im unconfident that ill be able to pull off the second with any kind of the cool, smooth nonchalant-ness needed for the effect. so its normally a stuttering cocktail of the second and the last.  the moment passes and im drawn into the world of what couldve been had i done it like this..or did it like that. which direction the conversation would have steered in had i did and what kind of moments would have followed if i had. and sometimes when im back at home and theres no one around i reenact the entire occurrence and preform the act i shouldve gone with as if hoping that one day a similar moment will surface and give me another chance to display the routine.  ive had those moments. and even then.. i dont.

cigarettes and oreos. i dont even know but if i had an answer to numb the sting -itd be that i wasnt anything but what is happening around me.