viernes, 17 de diciembre de 2010
i have this romanticized vision of you underneath the blankets. draped in silk. soaked, layered and boarded with an ethereal fog, floating ribbons and velvet. i almost cancelled because i always wanted to harbor the hallucination but with the actualization of you coming back into my life, itd revoke my right to keep it. youll be here with me soon. truly with me.. day and night for a little more than a week. leaving no room for fantasy or exaggeration but ill keep myself from cowering, receding back into the comfort of my mental space for the chance to see something so lush and opulent grow into fruition..or fall into pieces. its a heavy wager but the payout is too good to pass up. pays 6 billion to one but its the last crumpled dollar i have to my name. my sanity cant afford to write any more checks. lint and paper clips are all i have left. nothing to bargain with.
why am i so worried? im afraid you'll lie. but why would you? why would you decide to wear such a cumbersome mask..? partake in such a worthless and petty masquerade. to protect me? to shed just a little mercy during a relentless lightness of being? to spare me from the truth about myself for just one meager week? no. no one could be that cruel. only i would go to such great lengths.
you don't look any different. exactly the way i remember you.
a part of me wants to get hurt. the me that crouches in the back corner wearing thick glasses with a detachable reading light. if it is a fantasy, which it very likely is, it'll be good for me to see it fall apart at the seams. a chance for growth. god knows i could use it. there are positives are each side of the double edged sword. scars and sunshine. im allowed to fear the earthquake. im allowed to panic during the disaster.
how many faces do i have? and how many are being used right now? i wanted to cancel. or, at least, a side of me wanted to cancel. another side wanted to procrastinate even thinking about it just so that when the time came for me to cancel -itd be too late. then id have to find out.. and thered be a good chance that the fantasy i hold so dearly would be split and sheared at the roots. a masochist. in every sense of the word. i need to find my footing..and for reasons i cant quite articulate intelligently i think you would give me that. of course, you're not the only person who can give me a sense of stable footing. you just happen to be on deck. it sounds pretentious and pompous to think this way..but i could sacrifice any chance of a future we have just so that i can get a glimpse of my standing.i could poke and pry at your vision and what you see when you look at my until you find all my scars. or..i can assume myself to be a normal human being and just let myself float and meander along; to be carried by the current in whichever direction you happen to push me in.
something is off. something. i cant quite put my finger on it but i can feel it whenever i have a conversation with someone. it feels like everyone is keeping a secret from me. the same secret. some of them go out of their way to pretend its not there and others will blatantly rub it in my face. itd be easier to slit my wrist vertically and patiently wait for the blood to excrete from my veins and onto the floor. the process of slowly killing myself. that might be the only thing ill ever know to be true.
i have no illusions about who i am or how insignificant the role is that i play. epitaphs are for egoists. life is beautiful. you have to let yourself be loved but you cant love or be loved without loving and forgiving yourself first. i haven't done either.
when i look in the mirror, i see someone whose been given a second chance but i still see the same fool that was bound to make a stupid mistake sooner or later. have i grown? have i matured? what have i learned? maybe, nothing..or maybe i've grown just enough to see the value of certain things. both material and immaterial. maybe i've come to realize how unspecific and unspecified it is the part i play. how unscripted it all really is and how much of the moment i truly control.
im bound to disappoint..until i learn the art of never disappointing thyself. maybe then and only then will i be worthy of something precious enough to share. but i know i can go another 3 minutes with you in my corner.
could i have found it? what are the chances? is it more likely to constitute it as a pure hearted act for humanity. for some reason, that seems more likely. i was lucky once. then she was taken away. a road on the side of a mountain was the only witness. she died and the page turned to dawn. you don't talk to me like she did. you fit me in. she looked for me. your not impressed. but im drawn to it. you despise me but i cant get enough of it. is it strange that i feel more for you because don't you want me on your team. what kind of hypocrite does it make me if i said i understood your reasoning or even more so that i agree. maybe i see apart of you on the fence. maybe thats who im chasing after.
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