ill be counting.

i hear footsteps in the living room tile floor. in reality, im alone. sitting, indian style, in the living room on a mattress thats needing to be flipped. sounds reverberate and snowball around this unfurnished apartment. hallucinations are keeping me company. desires and missing wants projected on the walls. im not allowed to fantasize. i get too attached. they become possessions like the buttons on the shirt. then i get hurt when i realize that they were never really mine to begin with. was it ever possible for them to be mine? i couldnt tell you. i was too busy closing my eyes receding into the warmth beneath my eyelids.  people make an effort to pick me up and out of that place. to them, theyre saving me from myself. no one ever stops to think that i might be happier where i am.    thats not always true.
for me, here, where i am in the world, its less than 150min until the new year. 2011. holidays are the same everywhere. you just have to find the right people to spend them with. life is the same everywhere you go. you just have to be there long enough to see it.  i miss home though. whats strange is that there isnt a place called home waiting for me back where home used to be. i think that place burned down along with all the weed and heroin. still.. i miss it. i might not ever see it again until i start to make my own family. maybe thats all that a family really is.. a group of lost human beings looking for their home.  if thats true then i should feel better being close to people..but i dont. people always look and feel better behind the curtain of my mind. they tend to disappoint in person. including myself.  i should get ready to spend this holiday with a bunch of strangers that either like me for me or feel sorry that i have no one to spend to holiday with.   in either case, its nice of them right?