ill be counting.

a man once said its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i beg to differ. that man wasn't cursed with the same infection that riddles my sunken heart. 

id rather be in a constant state of rejection than to see doors open and close shortly after. to be teased. some people get off from it. some people enjoy it. some take satisfaction in the volley. not me. in my mind, once i see a door open, the only remaining thought is when that door will close. i know its only a short matter of time. like waiting for hot wax to drip to the stump. watching the brilliance of light flicker until it disappears. hoping the wick stays lit forever but we all know better. some say im blessed, i say fuck them all. life is pain, wall to wall. our brains have evolved enough to decipher and disfrutar the moments that don't burn. on some level, i force myself to enjoy the time that doesn't hurt because i know whats sure to follow.  

people who think they control the happiness that flows in and out of their life are arrogant and oblivious to the sentiments lying underneath their own skin. pushing it away, deeper and deeper into uncharted chaos. unremarkable. unsalvageable..  

trying to build columns of character atop lilly pads that float down streams of strife. writing the names i dare not speak because i cant play in real life. the fears and insecurities you hold dearly are not separate but simply a part of me while, in a cave, the daemon underneath doesn't wait for me to unsheathe. a courtesy that might make a difference to anyone else but here i am.. it was never safe for me to breathe. it was never safe. birds fly, i seethe.